tocxica (tocxica) wrote in pregnancy101,

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Self created drama

Okay, so I'm 19 and pregnant by the most amazingly un-guylike guy in the world. We've been together since the 10th grade of high school and I have no doubts he'll be a great dad. Myself on the other hand I'm not so sure about. Not the whole being a dad thing(actually I might be better at that than being a mom), but nurturing has never really been my forte. I'm most often crass, unempathetic, egocentric, and unaffectionate. Everyone keeps telling me that it'll come naturally after I hold the baby(I'm not convinced). I don't even like hanging around people too much on a good day. I like my quiet, my privacy, and my order(I even alphabetize my books). I'm just not so sure about how great a mom I'm going to be. But that's 6 months away. Right now I'm so neurotic about everything that goes into my body that my doctor has told me to sit back and have a cigarette(all in jest of course). I'm still going from caffeine and cigarette withdraws(going from half a pack and 4 cups a day to nothing is hard). I know that some people say that it's fine to have a bit of caffeine every now and then in moderation, but I'm not sold on that idea either. I'm just so scared of everything that I can't even enjoy this. I'm nervous about putting anything bad into my body more than I have to(I take epi for my asthma twice a day) that I've caught myself asking the people at McDonald's what kind of oil they use to cook their fries. I'm also afraid of being as emotionally detached as my mother was towards me. I border on the hermit side because of it and I don't want my kid to be shut up for weeks at a time like I was. My boyfriend keeps telling me that everything will be okay, but it's easy for him to say, he doesn't have to worry about being considered an unfit parent, he's perfect for crying out loud! I just keep thinking, this isn't how it's suppose to happen, I'm not suppose to have kids...ever. I'm meant to teach them and then send them off on their way. I don't know, I figured for my first post it wouldn't hurt to sulk and complain a bit.

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